Nice vs. Kind: Understanding the difference between being nice and being kind
This weekend I returned from an unforgettable trip to France made special by a group of successful individuals who were able to put their egos aside and be kind to each other every single day. As a result, the experience was enhanced not only by this kindness but by a tremendously high level of fellowship and companionship. So, I have mentally framed our group picture and put it on the wall of my soul. And with our group as an example, I will continue to look for situations where I can be kind again.
On the surface, the words “nice” and “kind” appear to have very similar meanings; the same, even. But the truth is that they are, in fact, very different.
You see, not everyone who is nice is kind, and not everyone who is kind is nice.
Understanding the distinction between the two matters because they each affect your intention and the impact of your actions. So, let’s take a closer look at the two words and the meaning behind them.
What is “nice”?
Being “nice” is a demonstration of being polite, pleasant, and agreeable in a given social situation. It arises from an expectation of how we should act with regard to others and is considered a form of social conditioning. However, when we are being nice, we are not necessarily being genuine and can be motivated by fear of rejection or some other bad outcome. And, being nice is not always a positive thing. Consider the phrase, “Oh, she was just being nice,” which could be translated to mean, she wasn’t being sincere and was being superficial.
Other motivations for being nice include personal gains, such as being nice with our work colleagues, particularly our superiors, because we don’t want to upset them and ruin our chances of promotion, and being nice to our local barista because we don’t want to be served bad coffee.
Ultimately, being nice is attributable to being selfish and transactional. We act nicely because we want something in return: either for the other person to be nice to us in return, or provide us with something more tangible. Being nice can even be considered a form of manipulation that enables you to get what you want out of a situation.
What is “kind”?
Being kind, on the other hand, is based on genuinely caring about others and doing things for them with the intention of having a good or positive outcome. These acts of kindness may or may not personally benefit the person being kind, but generally tend to be selfless and come from a place of compassion, empathy, and generosity.
For example, if you witness someone suffering at the hands of bullies, an act of kindness would be to stand up for the victim or chase the bullies away, no matter the personal cost or danger to yourself.
And, to give another example, we can see that being kind does not always equal niceness. Let’s say a friend is suffering from serious substance abuse. You arrange for them to be taken into rehabilitation against their will before they do themselves any more harm. This isn’t particularly nice, but it is an act of kindness.
Why is recognizing the differences between “nice” and “kind” Important?
Appreciating the distinction between kind and nice is important because the two different actions have different effects on others and on ourselves. Being nice is nearly always superficial, perfunctory, or could be viewed most cynically as manipulative, while being kind is considered authentic, meaningful, as well as empowering.
Behaving nicely often prevents us from speaking up, giving constructive feedback, or standing up for what’s right. Niceness does very little to change the status quo and mostly doesn’t really amount to anything positive or meaningful, in the long term.
On the other hand, being kind allows us to communicate honestly and respectfully. It has great power to make truly positive changes, effectuate progress, or simply make someone else's life a little bit more bearable.
To understand this all a little better, here are some examples of nice vs. kind:
● A friend of yours is sick and bedridden. Being nice is telling them you hope they get better soon. Being kind is picking their kids up from school and cooking them dinner.
● A local charity is organizing a fundraising event. Being nice is saying you respect what they are doing. Being kind is donating money or volunteering to help at the event.
● You’re at a party, and you hear a racist joke. Being nice is keeping silent or laughing politely. Being kind is speaking up and stating that it was inappropriate and offensive.
● Someone you know is struggling with money. Being nice is saying you hope they get a job soon. Being kind is buying them some groceries and helping with a job application.
Of course, all this does not mean that being nice is bad. As a form of social lubricant, it can make even chance encounters and fleeting interactions more pleasant, and that’s always a good thing. There are situations where being nice is appropriate and necessary, such as when we want to demonstrate being courteous or respectful. And, of course, being nice is always far better than being rude, aggressive, or dismissive.
Being kind is harder because it involves an element of sincerity, often requires action, and can be more challenging or uncomfortable, such as when we have to confront someone or sacrifice something of our own, such as time or money. But kindness is a choice, a choice you will want to make if you strive to make the world a better place.
When was the last time you were kind with no strings attached?